Giving Malaria a contract
Other times things going wrong can be induced by viruses. I've just heard about someone contracting malaria. Not too smart I thought, giving malaria a contract, he must be feeling pretty silly now. I wonder what the deal was? Â£10,000 a month for three months and a release clause at the end. Probably something about not being held responsible for destruction of the work place, 'wasn't me.'
The interview would have been entertaining. 'What do you feel are your best qualities?
'Well I'm adaptable, a great replicator and I integrate well.'
'What could you bring to the job?'
'Hmm, months of fever.'
'Well not quite the answer I was looking for but original I suppose. Do you have a work permit? No, oh well we will see what we can do about that a forged passport maybe.'
Stabbed by a van aerial
I heard this story from someone working at the western general in Edinburgh. The lab supervisor worked into the lab one day and said she'd just met someone who'd been stabbed in the hand with an aerial. A voice from across the bench asks 'what sort of aerial was it?'
'I don't know it was just an aerial.'
'Well if it was a Van aerial I think she should go to a STD clinic.'
Everyone in the lab looks slightly confused.
'Because if it was a van aerial she might of caught van aerial (venereal) disease.'
Obesity and the Simpsons
An article in NewScientist in August 2000 suggested that obesity could be caused by a virus. In the Simpsons episode 'King Sized Homer' Homer has to put on 61 pounds so that he ways 300 pounds, can be diagnosed as having hyper obesity and can work from home. He seeks advice from crazy Dr. Nick about how to do this as quickly as possible.
Dr. Nick: Be creative, instaed of making sandwiches with bread use poptarts, instead of chewing gum chew bacon.
Bart: I've got it you could brush your teeth with milk shake
Dr Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood upstairs medical collage too? Remember if in doubt rub it against a piece of paper, if it goes clear it's your window to success.
Later Homer is in a fast food outlet, with Bart, stuffing his face. Homer's unsure about a sandwich because it looks a bit healthy, Bart takes it and rubs it against the wall turning it clear. This is promptly followed by a bird flying into the newly created window.
Eddie Izzard on birds
This provides a perfect link to a sketch in Eddie Izzard's show unrepeatable."Birds, birds fly this is an amazing thing. When you're a kid you really appreciate it, until you see one bird fly into a window. Then you go Ah! Live in the sky die in a window. Whereas we just get into a plane and fly straight into a cliff, much more healthy.
But anyway birds do amazing thing. Every winter they fly south for their holidays. They don't get permission they do it by ESP.
'Calling all birds, calling all birds we're going to mass outside Mrs. Stephens house. She's recently seen Alfred Hitchcock's the birds so it should freak her out. We've choosen Greece this year for our holidays, you'll be pleased to know. Please bring suntan cream especially you robins who always get terribly burnt.'
All the birds mass up looking mean and get ready to go. Then one bird know when to go, and goes whooosh.
'It's Steve the bird, follow Steve the bird.'
They all shoot up in formation, but they don't go to Greece for a couple of days, they just fly round and round and round. There's sixty birds in formation doing this.
They must be going 'who's flying this year ? not Steve the bird is it? He's terrible, we were going to Greece last year, ended up in Torquey.
Out the front Steve the birds got a huge map all over his face. 'Oh no hold on. Hold on don't push, let me get this map down. Right is that a church with a spire? That's a post office. This is ordnance survey map of the lake district. Where's Greece?
Back to the Simpsons
Homer has reached has reached his 300 pound target and is working from home. But disaster strikes and the nuclear power plant is in danger of blowing up. Homer attempts to phone the emergency service. 'Beep, beep, beep operator speaking, the fingers you have used to dial this number are too fat. To order a special phone mash the keypad with your palm now.'
Abandoning the idea Homer hijacks an ice cream van and makes his way to the reactor. As he is climbing up the reactor to shut it down manually he falls and gets stuck in the vent adverting the disaster. Everyone comes running to the scene:
Lisa: I think it's ironic that dad's size saved him when a smaller man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: I think it's ironic that for once dad's butt prevent the release of toxic gasses.
Eddie Izzard on dyslexia
The final case of things going wrong that I want to talk about is dyslexia. A lecturer of mine used to say that DNA stands for National Dyslexic Association. This provides a link to yet another Eddie Izzard sketch this time from unrepeatable. "I'm partially dyslexic. There's a lot of rivalry in the dyslexic camp, rivalry with three Vs.'
'How bad's your hand writing, mines all over the place?'
I also found this joke amusing a dyslexic man walks into a bra.
In the Simpsons episode 'Deep space Homer' NASA are trying to boost their reputations by sending an ordinary person into space. Barney and Homer are in direct competition and Barney seems to be the man for the job. Although Homer still thinks he's in with a chance:
Buzz: So Barney, we hear you're kickin' ass.
Homer: I, er, don't think this contest is over yet, "Buzz"...if that _is_ your real name. I believe there is still a little something called "The Swimsuit Competition".
Scientist: There's no swimsuit competition, Homer.
Homer: You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!
Eddie Izzard on Space travel
This provides a link to the final Eddie Izzard sketch. In Dress to Kill Eddie Izzard is talking about Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. "Neil stepped onto the moon and said 'one small step for man and one giant leap for man kind.'
Good line but not his line. I bet that was given to him and he was coming down the steps saying 'small step for man giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong Neil don't f*ck it up. I'm a small man with a giant shii. One small man giant, two men. What is it?'
Because you've got to say something you can't get out onto the moon and say 'ooh it's all sticky, it's covered in jam.' You can't land on the moon and say 'I've been in that spacecraft for hours, right I need a piss.'
The Life of Martha: When Izzard meets Python