The depths of the ocean
(1)Sir David Attenborough: Here in the deepest depths of the ocean
(2)Assistant: Dark down here isn't it Dave ?
1: Dave ? I'm not called Dave can we make this a bit more professional please
2: Oh, sorry mate
Director: O.K lets continue, we'll edit that bit out.
1: Here in the deepest depths of the ocean, life is scarce. What life does exist is like nothing else on earth
2: A bit like being between a hookers legs ?
1: WHAT !?
2: Oh ye sorry scrap that bit
1: In the depths of the ocean finding a mate is nearly impossible. The female angler fish has attempted to overcome this problem by evolving a flashing lure. The tiny males, only a tenth of the size of a female, only purpose is to find a female in the darkness. Having found a partner the male bites at her belly with specially designed teeth. He needs to get permanently attached. Within a matter of weeks he is completely fused to the female and there he will stay for the rest of his life. Her blood circulating in his body provides him with all the sustenance he needs. In return he provides a constant reliable supply of sperm.
(featured on the blue planet)
2: So he goes hey darling I'm a wanker
(the first of many links to Eddie Izzard's shows)
The migration of salmon
(1)Sir David Attenborough: Due to the building of dams salmon now require humans to provide special contraptions to aid their journey.
(2) Assistant: You mean pole vaults ?
1: No fishladders
2: What's that a ladder made out of fish? They could've given them pogo-sticks couldn't they?
1: They don't have arms or legs though
2: Hmmm, I suppose that does have its drawbacks in some situations. Maybe we just need to release a few more nitrates and hormones into the environment.
The search for llamas
(1)Sir David Attenborough: Here at 3000 meters we are in search of llamas.
(2)Assistant: Cool I love llamas, did you see the emperors new groove. There's a llama, who used to be the emperor and a villager floating down a river tied to a log.
Villager: Ot oh
Llama: Don,t tell me we're about to go over a huge waterfall
Villager: Uh hu
Llama: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Villager: Most likely
Llama: Bring it on
Oh and have you heard about leapin' llamas:
This is an example of an activity that both people and llamas seem to enjoy. No llama can be forced to jump, but some llamas appear to enjoy doing so (not fences, just on request). In this "Lleapin' Llama" event, the llamas all start jumping just a low jump - but this must be a standing jump. (No running to get up steam should be allowed in a proper Lleapin' Llama competition.) The owner stands on the other side, and entices or coaxes the llama to jump to him or her... (The handler is allowed to use whatever enticement that seems to work. I have a llama that loves to jump for llama treats. I have a friend who used a picture of one of her lady llamas to encourage her jumping llama (it brought down the house)!)
If a llama refuses to jump then it is eliminated from the rest of the jump-off. Then the jump is raised and they all get a chance to jump. This continues until all of the llamas but one have refused to jump. Some llamas really are great at this - the highest jump we have ever recorded was one by Ander Fleming's llama, San Andreas, at the Virginia State Fair of 1993, when San Andreas, who is 41" high at the shoulders, jumped 52" from a standing start! Pretty impressive.
1: Can I continue? The excrement of the llama has a very distinguishable smell
2: Err man you are, whoa did you see that salmon pole vaulting ?
1: A salmon pole vaulting? I think the pressure must be making you trip
2: Cool, free tripping
1: As we continue to make our journey to the summit
2: Hey man where you going? There's an escalator here
1: Look Mr. see'er of pole vaulting salmon, smurfs and pandas with extra thumbs (a subtle link to one of Stephen J. Gould's essays.) This co-narrator thing isn't working, your on your own.
2: Ya de Ya de Ya