Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog
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Featuring an adaption of a league of gentlemen sketch and another classic from Eddie Izzard

Schrodingers cat
An adaption of the league of gentlemen drinking game sketch

Schrodinger is in the pub with his mates playing a drinking game
MW: ...aspara-
*3: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
SD: Forfeit! Forfeit! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Schrodinger: It was carrots.
JT: Ah. Now, get it roight this time, cos I'm dyin' o' thirst over 'ere.
SD: Right. Ding-ding! Round two!
MW: Tomato - what - aubergine - would - potato - you - turnip - like - carrots -
to - asparagus - drink?
SD: Oh-ho-ho!
JT: Tomato - pint... aubergine - of - potato - best - turnip - please!
*4: A-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[MW goes off to get the drinks. Schrodingers assistant appears at the door, looking around
for Schrodinger. When he finds him, he leans down to Schrodinger's ear to say quietly...]
Schrodinger assistant: Schrodinger, there's something I need to speak to you about.
SD: Oi nominate Schrodingers assistant.
Schrodingers assistant: Sorry?
*3: No! No, no, no!
JT: Forfeit! Forfeit! You 'ave to say tomato.
Schrodingers assistant: I beg your pardon?
*2: A-ha-ha!
SD: You've got to put a vegetable in front of each word, in the right order.
JT: Look - this is 'ow it goes, roight? Tomatoes - aubergine - potato - turnip -
carrot - asparagus, then you add one o' your own, and then it's back to tomatoes again.
Schrodingers assistant: Yes, I'm sorry, I really have no idea what you're talking...
*3: Warrgh! No! Ha-ha-ha!
SD: Forfeit! Forfeit!
JT: Tomato - you - aubergine - have - potato - to - turnip - say - carrot -
the - asparagus - roight - broccoli - vegetables!
SD: Ha-ha-ha! Or-o-or, aubergine - it's - potato - a - turnip - forfeit.
Schrodinger:It's a drinking game, sor.
Schrodingers assistant: Look Schrodinger, I really do need-
*3 Barrrgh! Forfeit!
Schrodingers assistant: It's, er, I'm very sorry, under normal circumstances - believe you me - I-I would like nothing more than to, er, join you in your game, but... not tonight, please.
Schrodinger: Go on, sor, go on. Go on - it'll be a bit o' fun, sor.
Schrodingers assistant: Yes, Scrodinger, really, I must
MW: Tomato - 'ere's - aubergine - your - potato - drinks.
SD: It's all roight - we got a new nominee.
MW: Wahey!
SD: Ha-ha-ha!
Schrodinger assistant: It's a private matter
*3: BONG! Wa-ha-ha! Wahey!
[pause as Schrodingers assistant finally admits defeat, and decides to play along...]
Schrodingers assistant: Er, er, tomato - it's - aubergine - a... potato - private - turnip - matter.
*2: A-ha!
JT: See? You're gettin' the 'ang of it, now. That's roight!
Schrodinger: That's right - don't be embarrassed, sor. Go on, it's just a little bit o' fun.
[pause as Schrodingers assistant gulps back a shot of whisky to pluck up courage...]
Schrodingers assitant: Tomato - Schrodinger... aubergine - your... potato - cat's... turnip - dead.
[Schrodinger is grinning widely, until the word "dead", when it drops like a stone!
the others are all instantly subdued and look down at their feet]
Schrodinger assistant: Erm, I'm sorry. I really am sorry. Erm, I mean, tomato sorry.

Pavlov's cat
I have found a web site that introduces the idea of Shroedinger's Dog, a creature so stupid it has difficulty being in one state at a time let alone in two states simultaneously. When put into a box with a decaying vial of poison which might or might not release the poison, Shroedinger's Dog chewed the vial thus ensuring it ended up in a dead state every time.
Eddie Izzard introduces the idea of Pavlov's cat in his show the definite article:
"Finally tonight I want to talk about this Russian guy called Pavlov, Pavlov, 1904 Pavlov's dog. That's what he's famous for. He did an experiment where he rung bells and dogs would eat food and he proved that dogs had ears. It was always in question before. And he wrote up his experiment.
Day 1 Rang bell, dog ate food, very excited, very excited indeed.
Day 2 Rang bell slightly louder dog eat slightly more food, very excited, have become Welsh.
Day 3 Prefere to be Welsh and so continue in that vein. Rang loads of bells, dog eats tonnes of food and then explodes. Publish results and then win noble dog prize at cruffs.
But he never published his cat results did he. Yes his cat results would of just of let him down badly. They where hushed up heavily in the KGB files.
Pavlov's cat results:
Day 1:
Rang bell, cat f*cked off, oh dear.
Day 2: Rang bell, cat went and answered door
Day 3: Rang bell, cat said he'd eaten earlier cheeky bugger
Day4: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries
Final day Day 5: Went to ring bell with new batteries, but cat put paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell, I ate food.